What Does True Relational Commitment Really Mean?

Just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.

Just because you don’t cheat on your partner, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.

You see this all the time, people holding the bar of commitment to some form of external commitment.

You know, they must be so committed because they have been together for 30 years!

Okay, well how committed are they to actually being connected in their relationship? How committed are they to being present and attuned to their partner? How committed are they to actually understanding their partner’s pain points and learning what makes make them tick?

Just like some couples get married to show how “committed” they are.

Or, let’s have a kid because we’re disconnected and see if that can bring us closer.

Shit brings me to a rage!

Well, getting married is not going to make your relationship anymore committed if you don’t actually know how to generate commitment on a deep...

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YOU Are The Love Story You've Been Waiting For

When I coach a client around love, the fastest way I usually create a breakthrough is by getting the client to tell me what they learned about love from their childhood. What they modelled from their parents, what they learned from their community around them, their peers, as well as their experiences in their interactions receiving love from their parents.

Usually when someone struggles in love throughout adulthood it’s because their core beliefs around love are in direct opposition to the love their soul and heart actually want. 

They have learned something, been living something, that is in direct opposition with what they actually need.

"Their programming and wiring around love is built on some form of self-rejection or self-abandonment." 

When people usually come to me who are living in chaos of some sort, it’s because their programming around love is leading to stress, anxiety and dysfunction, and they’re at this breaking point where what they...

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Why We Search For Relationship Fantasies To Save Us

When we search for a relationship fantasy to save us, it means there’s a relationship reality we can’t sit with and are running from or are disassociated from.

There is a part of our story we have not claimed and owned. A part of ourselves in our past we’re trying to create separation from. We have abandoned a part of who we are. We have repressed the painful parts into the deep, cellular bowels of our being.

Romantic dysfunction means one thing: DISCONNECTION FROM SELF.

When we chase fantasy, we want one thing: AVOID REALITY.

This is revealed countless times when we choose someone WHO IS NOT GOOD FOR US.

This means: WE HAVE A WAR AGAINST OUR OWN REALITY.

We can’t be with reality and would rather live in dysfunctional delusion than be presented with our very own confronting reality.

The confronting reality is coming face-to-face with our unworthiness. It’s coming face-to-face with our shame. It’s coming face-to-face with a part of ourselves we...

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Why We Need To Give Our Partners Permission To Be An Asshole Sometimes

Lovers, we need to give our partners permission to be an asshole sometimes.

Now before you throw a hissy fit, it’s important we differentiate between being a bona-fide asshole versus occasionally displaying asshole behaviour.

There is an asshole person. Just general dicks. Their dickishness is very much permanent.

Being a bona-fide asshole means your heart is shaped like a dick. Or it’s shaped like a butthole, either or. Meaning being an asshole is just WHO YOU ARE.

Then there is asshole behaviour. This is human reality. Dicks on occasion. Your humanness gets the best of you sometimes. You’re a good person who sometimes does not act so good.

We all have bad days. You say the wrong thing. You do the wrong thing. You don’t show up in the way you’re capable of. You act out of integrity. You say something hurtful to someone you care about. You get triggered, you break down, you act on impulse, you overreact.

Even Mother Theresa was probably an asshole...

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Woundmates And Shadowmates - What You Need To Know

A woundmate connection is another term for a trauma-bond connection.

A woundmate connection is a connection where we bond through our wounds, pain and trauma. 

The connection, while potentially powerful and passionate, comes with large degrees of combustion and reactivity. While a heartmate connection often sees a partner bringing us the necessary medicine our soul needs, a woundmate connection usually amplifies and destabilizes our wounds and undigested hurts to an even greater degree.

"Much like a twin flames connection you hear talked about a lot in spiritual communities, a woundmate connection usually sees two similar puzzle pieces fighting to fit into the same piece of the puzzle."

This is why these connections can contain so much combustion and friction, both people are fighting for territory to be heard. “You just don’t understand me!” “No you just don’t understand me!”

They’re both searching and seeking medicine for their...

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Why Some People Move On So Much Faster After Breakups Than Others

I’ll admit something...

I’m usually the last one to move on after a breakup. At least relationships where I’d actually fallen for the person. I rarely fall but when I fall, I fall fast, I fall hard, and it’s hard for me to get back up after I fall.

For this reason...

I’m usually the one still reeling after the breakup, tending to my wounds and processing the breakup while I watch my ex update her profile picture with someone new.

"I’ve been in love four times in my life. I’ve also been heartbroken four times as well. Go figure, right?"

I’m good at not giving a shit. I can not give a shit with the best of them. But every time I’ve ever given a shit in a relationship, I’ve eaten shit. Metaphorically of course.

Interestingly, there is a pattern that has presented itself.

The first girl I was in love with broke it off with me because she met a guy who made it clear to her that her and I were not the right fit together.

The...

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Forget A Soulmate; Find A Weirdmate

The most common thing people associate with happiness in their love lives: finding a soulmate.

Everyone wants to find a soulmate — their ‘one true love’.

"Truth be told: there are billions of people in this world. That means by sheer population numbers, there are potentially thousands of people who we could meet in our lifetime, fall in love with and label as our "soulmate"."

For true believers in soulmates, that’s not something they want to hear. Particularly for those who feel they’ve found their soulmate: they don’t want to believe that there could ever be someone else out there.

I’ve always thought soulmates in love are what religion is in life. It’s a system in place to instill more control and purpose to our lives. Without it, we feel out of control, with no real sense of purpose.

Just like under religion’s terms: the purpose of life is to live in a such a way that when we die we get to go to heaven.

Without it,...

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Flakey Love Vs Grounded Love

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone but not trusted their love for you?

While you knew they loved you, for some reason, you just couldn’t trust the stability of that love.

That’s because their love felt fickle. Like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind.

You know how they say that you can never really lose someone that was truly yours in the first place?

Well, this type of love has you feeling insecure. You have a hard time relaxing within the relationship because you have doubts about your true alignment and connection to this person.

In your heart of hearts, you feel like you’re capable of losing this person to somebody else better suited to them. You worry they will have an epiphany one day and suddenly realize that you aren’t right for each other. You worry about allowing them to be completely free to roam and grow outside the relationship because you fear they may grow or change away from you.

This leads to constant anxiety, frustration and...

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A Letter To The Late Bloomers

To the late bloomers,

If you’re reading this, then you’re probably someone just like me. Someone who has always felt like they were just a little behind their peers. Just a little slower to figure everything out. Just a little more lost. Just a little more confused.

Perhaps it took you a while to figure out what you wanted to do with your life. Maybe you’re still trying to figure it out. Or maybe you know what you want to do but trying to make what you want a reality has been far more challenging than expected.

Maybe you’re even thinking about giving up because you feel that if these doors were meant to open for you they would have opened already.

Maybe you look around at all your friends getting married, having kids, buying homes and you just don’t get it – how are they doing this already? How are they prepared for this?

You’re still just trying to find your way and arrive in who you are supposed to be, let alone be in a position to start a...

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