How did we get here? It wasn’t supposed to end like this.
We had plans. We had dreams. We still had so much to do. I thought we had so much time.
Maybe one day we will meet again. So maybe I should be at peace with letting you go. I should just let the universe do its trick. But baby, I’m afraid we’ll get lost out there.
I want to move on. I want to let you go. But I don’t want to stop missing you. I’m afraid to no longer miss you. It hurts to miss you. I want this pain to stop. But if I let the pain stop then you will be gone.
I know once I move on, what we were no longer will have life, like an ancient stone etched in the ground, you will become history. I’m just not ready to put your memory into the ground just yet.
Baby, I’m just not ready to move on just yet.
Your memory haunts me and comforts me at the same time. I wish I would stop thinking about you all the time. I wish you would leave me alone. But I just can’t give up that...
This is a common thing we hear from one partner in a relationship…
MY PARTNER HAS A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
THEY’RE NOT READY. I’M READY. BUT THEY’RE NOT. THEY STILL HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
THEY NEED TO FIGURE THEIR SHIT OUT.
THEY NEED TO WORK ON THEMSELVES.
MY PARTNER NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE.
THE ONUS IS ON MY PARTNER TO WORK ON THEMSELVES.
I MIGHT HAVE WORK TO DO, BUT MY PARTNER HAS MORE WORK, OR HAS DEEPER WORK TO DO.
It’s this self-inflation from one partner, pinning the sole weight of responsibility onto their partner’s shoulders as to why they’re having issues in the relationship, or drowning in a sea of relational dysfunction.
This is PARTICULARLY common when one partner is in the personal growth space and the other is not.
The partner in the personal growth space sees that if their partner just started doing the work they’re doing, all their relational quarrels would finally be resolved and they could have the...
Just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.
Just because you don’t cheat on your partner, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.
You see this all the time, people holding the bar of commitment to some form of external commitment.
Okay, well how committed are they to actually being connected in their relationship? How committed are they to being present and attuned to their partner? How committed are they to actually understanding their partner’s pain points and learning what makes make them tick?
Just like some couples get married to show how “committed” they are.
Or, let’s have a kid because we’re disconnected and see if that can bring us closer.
Shit brings me to a rage!
Well, getting married is not going to make your relationship anymore committed if you don’t actually know how to generate commitment on a deep...
When I coach a client around love, the fastest way I usually create a breakthrough is by getting the client to tell me what they learned about love from their childhood. What they modelled from their parents, what they learned from their community around them, their peers, as well as their experiences in their interactions receiving love from their parents.
Usually when someone struggles in love throughout adulthood it’s because their core beliefs around love are in direct opposition to the love their soul and heart actually want.
They have learned something, been living something, that is in direct opposition with what they actually need.
"Their programming and wiring around love is built on some form of self-rejection or self-abandonment."
When people usually come to me who are living in chaos of some sort, it’s because their programming around love is leading to stress, anxiety and dysfunction, and they’re at this breaking point where what they...
One of the most common things I hear out in the dating space is, “I’m running out of time,” “I don’t have time,” “The clock is ticking!!”
The usual dating pattern in response to this is to go VERY QUICKLY and try to decide in the first month whether or not this is your person or the person you’re going to marry.
It all comes from this place of trying to create certainty IMMEDIATELY.
I wanna know and I wanna know quickly!!
The result is a lot of anxiety, massive over-analysis and coming into the dating place from a space of fear and scarcity.
What usually ends up happening are a lot of repetitive short-lived relationships that don’t work out.
That’s because we're showing up from this space of rushing and needing to know immediately.
We don’t think we have time, so we waste even more time by not actually vetting the human being.
You know we chase these ideas of “infatuation” and “you should just...
I was recently interviewed on a podcast and asked what men need to do in order to have better relationships.
One of the things I said was men need to build emotional relationships with other men.
Without men building emotional relationships with other men, there is zero possibility these men will build amazing relationships with romantic partners in their life.
You don’t have low-level habits of relating and communicating in your friendships and then walk into a romantic partnership and suddenly have incredible high-level habits of relating and communicating.
You don’t revel in gossip with your girlfriends and then move into a relational container having this uncanny ability to adeptly carve out deep, introspective, nourishing and emotionally intimate conversations with your partner.
You don’t walk through life having difficulty...
When we search for a relationship fantasy to save us, it means there’s a relationship reality we can’t sit with and are running from or are disassociated from.
There is a part of our story we have not claimed and owned. A part of ourselves in our past we’re trying to create separation from. We have abandoned a part of who we are. We have repressed the painful parts into the deep, cellular bowels of our being.
When we chase fantasy, we want one thing: AVOID REALITY.
This is revealed countless times when we choose someone WHO IS NOT GOOD FOR US.
This means: WE HAVE A WAR AGAINST OUR OWN REALITY.
We can’t be with reality and would rather live in dysfunctional delusion than be presented with our very own confronting reality.
The confronting reality is coming face-to-face with our unworthiness. It’s coming face-to-face with our shame. It’s coming face-to-face with a part of ourselves we...
Lovers, we need to give our partners permission to be an asshole sometimes.
Now before you throw a hissy fit, it’s important we differentiate between being a bona-fide asshole versus occasionally displaying asshole behaviour.
There is an asshole person. Just general dicks. Their dickishness is very much permanent.
Being a bona-fide asshole means your heart is shaped like a dick. Or it’s shaped like a butthole, either or. Meaning being an asshole is just WHO YOU ARE.
Then there is asshole behaviour. This is human reality. Dicks on occasion. Your humanness gets the best of you sometimes. You’re a good person who sometimes does not act so good.
We all have bad days. You say the wrong thing. You do the wrong thing. You don’t show up in the way you’re capable of. You act out of integrity. You say something hurtful to someone you care about. You get triggered, you break down, you act on impulse, you overreact.
I’ll admit something...
I’m usually the last one to move on after a breakup. At least relationships where I’d actually fallen for the person. I rarely fall but when I fall, I fall fast, I fall hard, and it’s hard for me to get back up after I fall.
For this reason...
I’m usually the one still reeling after the breakup, tending to my wounds and processing the breakup while I watch my ex update her profile picture with someone new.
"I’ve been in love four times in my life. I’ve also been heartbroken four times as well. Go figure, right?"
I’m good at not giving a shit. I can not give a shit with the best of them. But every time I’ve ever given a shit in a relationship, I’ve eaten shit. Metaphorically of course.
Interestingly, there is a pattern that has presented itself.
The first girl I was in love with broke it off with me because she met a guy who made it clear to her that her and I were not the right fit together.
Scrolling for love has replaced swiping for love.
Swipe rights have turned into “I dropped into her DM”.
Tinder dates and hookups are now romances conceived in the inbox.
Cheesy pickup lines have turned into “I like your content” messages.
Flirtatious displays of interest are now common place in comment sections.
Instagram has quickly become the new Tinder.
Not just the new Tinder but a better Tinder.
It has become the new socially acceptable and respectable way to meet someone online. Particularly among the influencer and personal branding communities, it has become the new “it” way to meet.
“We met on Tinder” stories are seemingly socially embarrassing and shame producing, while “we met on Instagram” stories now seem trendy, hip, contemporary, in style, and actually the makings of a quality love story in the 21st Century.
I should know – I met my partner on Instagram. I dropped in her DM. Actually, to be...