What do you vet for in the dating process?
What are you attracted to? What gives someone a place in your romantic orbit?
This is often something I will ask a client early on in our process when I’m coaching someone around love.
They may say things like:
Physical attraction. Chemistry. Sense of humour. Extroverted personality. Outgoing. Positive energy. Ambitious. Successful.
Those things are great but those qualities are how you vet someone for a really hot fucking fling. It’s like, yeah, it all looks on paper but how does this translate to great love?
I mean, if you want more of a surface level connection with a partner, then fine. Those are all great qualities to sustain a surface level relationship.
Surface level characteristics can make for an exciting and novelty filled beginning but they don’t stand the test of time, relationally.
If you want a soul bonded connection, you need to claim that level of connection to yourself.
I was recently interviewed on a podcast and asked what men need to do in order to have better relationships.
One of the things I said was men need to build emotional relationships with other men.
Without men building emotional relationships with other men, there is zero possibility these men will build amazing relationships with romantic partners in their life.
You don’t have low-level habits of relating and communicating in your friendships and then walk into a romantic partnership and suddenly have incredible high-level habits of relating and communicating.
You don’t revel in gossip with your girlfriends and then move into a relational container having this uncanny ability to adeptly carve out deep, introspective, nourishing and emotionally intimate conversations with your partner.
You don’t walk through life having difficulty...
Lovers, we need to give our partners permission to be an asshole sometimes.
Now before you throw a hissy fit, it’s important we differentiate between being a bona-fide asshole versus occasionally displaying asshole behaviour.
There is an asshole person. Just general dicks. Their dickishness is very much permanent.
Being a bona-fide asshole means your heart is shaped like a dick. Or it’s shaped like a butthole, either or. Meaning being an asshole is just WHO YOU ARE.
Then there is asshole behaviour. This is human reality. Dicks on occasion. Your humanness gets the best of you sometimes. You’re a good person who sometimes does not act so good.
We all have bad days. You say the wrong thing. You do the wrong thing. You don’t show up in the way you’re capable of. You act out of integrity. You say something hurtful to someone you care about. You get triggered, you break down, you act on impulse, you overreact.
I remember a few years ago I was in a relationship with a woman whom I loved deeply. The passion and feelings were there. They were strong. Yet, the relationship never felt right.
In terms of our values, we were mismatched.
While my heart was in it, my head was trying to pull me away.
Our emotional connection was fierce, but we did not connect in some of the crucial areas of alignment.
We held on for a lot longer than we should have because the feelings were so strong but the value (practical alignment) side of the equation proved a future lifetime of compromise with us growing in different directions.
We were spiritually misaligned. She was a Christian, and while I’m very spiritual, I believe more in things like ‘energy,’ ‘flow,’ ‘alignment,’ and ‘The Universe’ than I do in organized religion and the idea there is one single Creator.
She also interpreted my ambition and drive to succeed in my field as self-serving. While I...
Great love requires great respect.
Without respect you have nothing real to build from. No great love story is without its challenges, and without great respect those challenges become wildfires that burn the story of your love to the ground. Before you give your heart, before you dive deep, before you build your life around someone, make sure you respect the fuck out of their soul and they return the sentiment. Great love that lasts a lifetime must be built on solid ground, solid foundation, and there is nothing more potent than a partnership built on the grounds of mutual respect.
Listen up friends, I’m fairly sure we can all agree that love isn’t always a walk in the park. It’s also true that love on it’s own is often not enough to sustain the ups and downs of the relational terrain. Love is essential yes. But so is respect. Far too many people place too much emphasis on the initial butterflies of lust instead of paying attention to whether at the...