What do you vet for in the dating process?
What are you attracted to? What gives someone a place in your romantic orbit?
This is often something I will ask a client early on in our process when I’m coaching someone around love.
They may say things like:
Physical attraction. Chemistry. Sense of humour. Extroverted personality. Outgoing. Positive energy. Ambitious. Successful.
Those things are great but those qualities are how you vet someone for a really hot fucking fling. It’s like, yeah, it all looks on paper but how does this translate to great love?
I mean, if you want more of a surface level connection with a partner, then fine. Those are all great qualities to sustain a surface level relationship.
Surface level characteristics can make for an exciting and novelty filled beginning but they don’t stand the test of time, relationally.
If you want a soul bonded connection, you need to claim that level of connection to yourself.
I’m often asked what my NUMBER ONE most important piece of advice for a single person is.
My answer? It’s always the same:
Get your affairs in order.
And prepare to die alone.
I mean, cause, we die alone anyway. Even if you’re married your entire life, you still die alone. Even if you died at the exact same time as your loved one you still would be buried separately.
I mean maybe there is a story out there of a couple who put it in their will that they wanted to get buried in the same coffin?
Which is equal parts deeply fucked up and cute and romantic.
But if there is a story like that I’ve never heard of it. And I feel like if there were a story like that I would know about it.
Anyways back to my point…
Don’t just prepare to die alone but die a super shitty miserable death where you’re buried all by yourself in the corner of the worst fucking cemetery in your city.
“You know, with a horribly non durable headstone that’s...
Just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.
Just because you don’t cheat on your partner, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.
You see this all the time, people holding the bar of commitment to some form of external commitment.
Okay, well how committed are they to actually being connected in their relationship? How committed are they to being present and attuned to their partner? How committed are they to actually understanding their partner’s pain points and learning what makes make them tick?
Just like some couples get married to show how “committed” they are.
Or, let’s have a kid because we’re disconnected and see if that can bring us closer.
Shit brings me to a rage!
Well, getting married is not going to make your relationship anymore committed if you don’t actually know how to generate commitment on a deep...
One of the most common things I hear out in the dating space is, “I’m running out of time,” “I don’t have time,” “The clock is ticking!!”
The usual dating pattern in response to this is to go VERY QUICKLY and try to decide in the first month whether or not this is your person or the person you’re going to marry.
It all comes from this place of trying to create certainty IMMEDIATELY.
I wanna know and I wanna know quickly!!
The result is a lot of anxiety, massive over-analysis and coming into the dating place from a space of fear and scarcity.
What usually ends up happening are a lot of repetitive short-lived relationships that don’t work out.
That’s because we're showing up from this space of rushing and needing to know immediately.
We don’t think we have time, so we waste even more time by not actually vetting the human being.
You know we chase these ideas of “infatuation” and “you should just...