What do you vet for in the dating process?
What are you attracted to? What gives someone a place in your romantic orbit?
This is often something I will ask a client early on in our process when I’m coaching someone around love.
They may say things like:
Physical attraction. Chemistry. Sense of humour. Extroverted personality. Outgoing. Positive energy. Ambitious. Successful.
Those things are great but those qualities are how you vet someone for a really hot fucking fling. It’s like, yeah, it all looks on paper but how does this translate to great love?
I mean, if you want more of a surface level connection with a partner, then fine. Those are all great qualities to sustain a surface level relationship.
Surface level characteristics can make for an exciting and novelty filled beginning but they don’t stand the test of time, relationally.
If you want a soul bonded connection, you need to claim that level of connection to yourself.
How did we get here? It wasn’t supposed to end like this.
We had plans. We had dreams. We still had so much to do. I thought we had so much time.
Maybe one day we will meet again. So maybe I should be at peace with letting you go. I should just let the universe do its trick. But baby, I’m afraid we’ll get lost out there.
I want to move on. I want to let you go. But I don’t want to stop missing you. I’m afraid to no longer miss you. It hurts to miss you. I want this pain to stop. But if I let the pain stop then you will be gone.
I know once I move on, what we were no longer will have life, like an ancient stone etched in the ground, you will become history. I’m just not ready to put your memory into the ground just yet.
Baby, I’m just not ready to move on just yet.
Your memory haunts me and comforts me at the same time. I wish I would stop thinking about you all the time. I wish you would leave me alone. But I just can’t give up that...
In December 2015 I went through a traumatic breakup experience.
It was one of those situations where I ‘lacked courage’ and failed to have the really hard conversation and speak my brutal truth.
I didn’t have the courage because I was afraid of hurting her — and the longer I went without telling her the truth the more the anxiety built and the harder it became to have that conversation — and she stayed with me, knowing she was not getting what she needed from a partner but was too afraid to address it or ask for more.
So, because neither of us could show enough courage to talk about the shit that was going on between us, the relationship basically self-imploded from the inside and it got really messy.
The aftermath of the breakup was a difficult one for myself, both emotionally and psychologically. So much so that I spent the first six months of the breakup going through intensive therapy and counselling so I could really decode the events of...
A woundmate connection is another term for a trauma-bond connection.
A woundmate connection is a connection where we bond through our wounds, pain and trauma.
The connection, while potentially powerful and passionate, comes with large degrees of combustion and reactivity. While a heartmate connection often sees a partner bringing us the necessary medicine our soul needs, a woundmate connection usually amplifies and destabilizes our wounds and undigested hurts to an even greater degree.
"Much like a twin flames connection you hear talked about a lot in spiritual communities, a woundmate connection usually sees two similar puzzle pieces fighting to fit into the same piece of the puzzle."
This is why these connections can contain so much combustion and friction, both people are fighting for territory to be heard. “You just don’t understand me!” “No you just don’t understand me!”
They’re both searching and seeking medicine for their...
I’ll admit something...
I’m usually the last one to move on after a breakup. At least relationships where I’d actually fallen for the person. I rarely fall but when I fall, I fall fast, I fall hard, and it’s hard for me to get back up after I fall.
For this reason...
I’m usually the one still reeling after the breakup, tending to my wounds and processing the breakup while I watch my ex update her profile picture with someone new.
"I’ve been in love four times in my life. I’ve also been heartbroken four times as well. Go figure, right?"
I’m good at not giving a shit. I can not give a shit with the best of them. But every time I’ve ever given a shit in a relationship, I’ve eaten shit. Metaphorically of course.
Interestingly, there is a pattern that has presented itself.
The first girl I was in love with broke it off with me because she met a guy who made it clear to her that her and I were not the right fit together.