This is a common thing we hear from one partner in a relationship…
MY PARTNER HAS A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
THEY’RE NOT READY. I’M READY. BUT THEY’RE NOT. THEY STILL HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
THEY NEED TO FIGURE THEIR SHIT OUT.
THEY NEED TO WORK ON THEMSELVES.
MY PARTNER NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE.
THE ONUS IS ON MY PARTNER TO WORK ON THEMSELVES.
I MIGHT HAVE WORK TO DO, BUT MY PARTNER HAS MORE WORK, OR HAS DEEPER WORK TO DO.
It’s this self-inflation from one partner, pinning the sole weight of responsibility onto their partner’s shoulders as to why they’re having issues in the relationship, or drowning in a sea of relational dysfunction.
This is PARTICULARLY common when one partner is in the personal growth space and the other is not.
The partner in the personal growth space sees that if their partner just started doing the work they’re doing, all their relational quarrels would finally be resolved and they could have the...
Just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.
Just because you don’t cheat on your partner, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.
You see this all the time, people holding the bar of commitment to some form of external commitment.
Okay, well how committed are they to actually being connected in their relationship? How committed are they to being present and attuned to their partner? How committed are they to actually understanding their partner’s pain points and learning what makes make them tick?
Just like some couples get married to show how “committed” they are.
Or, let’s have a kid because we’re disconnected and see if that can bring us closer.
Shit brings me to a rage!
Well, getting married is not going to make your relationship anymore committed if you don’t actually know how to generate commitment on a deep...
One of the most common things I hear out in the dating space is, “I’m running out of time,” “I don’t have time,” “The clock is ticking!!”
The usual dating pattern in response to this is to go VERY QUICKLY and try to decide in the first month whether or not this is your person or the person you’re going to marry.
It all comes from this place of trying to create certainty IMMEDIATELY.
I wanna know and I wanna know quickly!!
The result is a lot of anxiety, massive over-analysis and coming into the dating place from a space of fear and scarcity.
What usually ends up happening are a lot of repetitive short-lived relationships that don’t work out.
That’s because we're showing up from this space of rushing and needing to know immediately.
We don’t think we have time, so we waste even more time by not actually vetting the human being.
You know we chase these ideas of “infatuation” and “you should just...
I was recently interviewed on a podcast and asked what men need to do in order to have better relationships.
One of the things I said was men need to build emotional relationships with other men.
Without men building emotional relationships with other men, there is zero possibility these men will build amazing relationships with romantic partners in their life.
You don’t have low-level habits of relating and communicating in your friendships and then walk into a romantic partnership and suddenly have incredible high-level habits of relating and communicating.
You don’t revel in gossip with your girlfriends and then move into a relational container having this uncanny ability to adeptly carve out deep, introspective, nourishing and emotionally intimate conversations with your partner.
You don’t walk through life having difficulty...
When we search for a relationship fantasy to save us, it means there’s a relationship reality we can’t sit with and are running from or are disassociated from.
There is a part of our story we have not claimed and owned. A part of ourselves in our past we’re trying to create separation from. We have abandoned a part of who we are. We have repressed the painful parts into the deep, cellular bowels of our being.
When we chase fantasy, we want one thing: AVOID REALITY.
This is revealed countless times when we choose someone WHO IS NOT GOOD FOR US.
This means: WE HAVE A WAR AGAINST OUR OWN REALITY.
We can’t be with reality and would rather live in dysfunctional delusion than be presented with our very own confronting reality.
The confronting reality is coming face-to-face with our unworthiness. It’s coming face-to-face with our shame. It’s coming face-to-face with a part of ourselves we...
Lovers, we need to give our partners permission to be an asshole sometimes.
Now before you throw a hissy fit, it’s important we differentiate between being a bona-fide asshole versus occasionally displaying asshole behaviour.
There is an asshole person. Just general dicks. Their dickishness is very much permanent.
Being a bona-fide asshole means your heart is shaped like a dick. Or it’s shaped like a butthole, either or. Meaning being an asshole is just WHO YOU ARE.
Then there is asshole behaviour. This is human reality. Dicks on occasion. Your humanness gets the best of you sometimes. You’re a good person who sometimes does not act so good.
We all have bad days. You say the wrong thing. You do the wrong thing. You don’t show up in the way you’re capable of. You act out of integrity. You say something hurtful to someone you care about. You get triggered, you break down, you act on impulse, you overreact.
A woundmate connection is another term for a trauma-bond connection.
A woundmate connection is a connection where we bond through our wounds, pain and trauma.
The connection, while potentially powerful and passionate, comes with large degrees of combustion and reactivity. While a heartmate connection often sees a partner bringing us the necessary medicine our soul needs, a woundmate connection usually amplifies and destabilizes our wounds and undigested hurts to an even greater degree.
"Much like a twin flames connection you hear talked about a lot in spiritual communities, a woundmate connection usually sees two similar puzzle pieces fighting to fit into the same piece of the puzzle."
This is why these connections can contain so much combustion and friction, both people are fighting for territory to be heard. “You just don’t understand me!” “No you just don’t understand me!”
They’re both searching and seeking medicine for their...
I’m a hopeless romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m the type of cheesy person who believes whole-heartedly in that old Beatles saying, “All you need is love”. I genuinely believe love is the most important thing on the entire planet. And in particular, romantic love. I believe that who you choose to spend your life with is the most important decision you will ever make in your life. And is the most determining factor that decides how happy or how unhappy you will be in your life. Romantic love shapes your life and sets the bar for all that you see as possible. If you settle in love, you settle in life. If you win big in love, you will win big in life. I believe this without exception.
When I was in high school I always dreamed of falling in love and one day marrying my high school sweetheart. While I did experience a love in high school that felt right out of a teen movie, it didn’t last long.
Then in college I always dreamed of meeting the woman...
Great love requires great respect.
Without respect you have nothing real to build from. No great love story is without its challenges, and without great respect those challenges become wildfires that burn the story of your love to the ground. Before you give your heart, before you dive deep, before you build your life around someone, make sure you respect the fuck out of their soul and they return the sentiment. Great love that lasts a lifetime must be built on solid ground, solid foundation, and there is nothing more potent than a partnership built on the grounds of mutual respect.
Listen up friends, I’m fairly sure we can all agree that love isn’t always a walk in the park. It’s also true that love on it’s own is often not enough to sustain the ups and downs of the relational terrain. Love is essential yes. But so is respect. Far too many people place too much emphasis on the initial butterflies of lust instead of paying attention to whether at the...