In December 2015 I went through a traumatic breakup experience.
It was one of those situations where I ‘lacked courage’ and failed to have the really hard conversation and speak my brutal truth.
I didn’t have the courage because I was afraid of hurting her — and the longer I went without telling her the truth the more the anxiety built and the harder it became to have that conversation — and she stayed with me, knowing she was not getting what she needed from a partner but was too afraid to address it or ask for more.
So, because neither of us could show enough courage to talk about the shit that was going on between us, the relationship basically self-imploded from the inside and it got really messy.
The aftermath of the breakup was a difficult one for myself, both emotionally and psychologically. So much so that I spent the first six months of the breakup going through intensive therapy and counselling so I could really decode the events of...
I remember dating this girl one time who tried to tell me a relationship should never have disagreements, conflict or arguments.
I was like, “I actually believe that is what defines great relationships. How you work through conflict. How you both process your anger, individually, and together.”
As you can imagine, things ended soon after that conversation. As I am someone who has not only met his monster, but overindulged in his monster on far too many occasions.
She was the sweetest, kindest woman but she had not met her monster. She was not willing to meet her monster. She was not willing to work with her monster. In fact, she didn’t even believe she had a monster.
But, WE ALL HAVE A MONSTER. Some of us are just more acquainted with it than others.
So you might be wondering…
OUR MONSTER = OUR ANGER
OUR MONSTER = THE DARK CORNERS OF WHO WE ARE
Our monster is the explosive, reactive part of us....
Lovers, we need to give our partners permission to be an asshole sometimes.
Now before you throw a hissy fit, it’s important we differentiate between being a bona-fide asshole versus occasionally displaying asshole behaviour.
There is an asshole person. Just general dicks. Their dickishness is very much permanent.
Being a bona-fide asshole means your heart is shaped like a dick. Or it’s shaped like a butthole, either or. Meaning being an asshole is just WHO YOU ARE.
Then there is asshole behaviour. This is human reality. Dicks on occasion. Your humanness gets the best of you sometimes. You’re a good person who sometimes does not act so good.
We all have bad days. You say the wrong thing. You do the wrong thing. You don’t show up in the way you’re capable of. You act out of integrity. You say something hurtful to someone you care about. You get triggered, you break down, you act on impulse, you overreact.
A woundmate connection is another term for a trauma-bond connection.
A woundmate connection is a connection where we bond through our wounds, pain and trauma.
The connection, while potentially powerful and passionate, comes with large degrees of combustion and reactivity. While a heartmate connection often sees a partner bringing us the necessary medicine our soul needs, a woundmate connection usually amplifies and destabilizes our wounds and undigested hurts to an even greater degree.
"Much like a twin flames connection you hear talked about a lot in spiritual communities, a woundmate connection usually sees two similar puzzle pieces fighting to fit into the same piece of the puzzle."
This is why these connections can contain so much combustion and friction, both people are fighting for territory to be heard. “You just don’t understand me!” “No you just don’t understand me!”
They’re both searching and seeking medicine for their...
I’ll admit something...
I’m usually the last one to move on after a breakup. At least relationships where I’d actually fallen for the person. I rarely fall but when I fall, I fall fast, I fall hard, and it’s hard for me to get back up after I fall.
For this reason...
I’m usually the one still reeling after the breakup, tending to my wounds and processing the breakup while I watch my ex update her profile picture with someone new.
"I’ve been in love four times in my life. I’ve also been heartbroken four times as well. Go figure, right?"
I’m good at not giving a shit. I can not give a shit with the best of them. But every time I’ve ever given a shit in a relationship, I’ve eaten shit. Metaphorically of course.
Interestingly, there is a pattern that has presented itself.
The first girl I was in love with broke it off with me because she met a guy who made it clear to her that her and I were not the right fit together.
Scrolling for love has replaced swiping for love.
Swipe rights have turned into “I dropped into her DM”.
Tinder dates and hookups are now romances conceived in the inbox.
Cheesy pickup lines have turned into “I like your content” messages.
Flirtatious displays of interest are now common place in comment sections.
Instagram has quickly become the new Tinder.
Not just the new Tinder but a better Tinder.
It has become the new socially acceptable and respectable way to meet someone online. Particularly among the influencer and personal branding communities, it has become the new “it” way to meet.
“We met on Tinder” stories are seemingly socially embarrassing and shame producing, while “we met on Instagram” stories now seem trendy, hip, contemporary, in style, and actually the makings of a quality love story in the 21st Century.
I should know – I met my partner on Instagram. I dropped in her DM. Actually, to be...
I’m a hopeless romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m the type of cheesy person who believes whole-heartedly in that old Beatles saying, “All you need is love”. I genuinely believe love is the most important thing on the entire planet. And in particular, romantic love. I believe that who you choose to spend your life with is the most important decision you will ever make in your life. And is the most determining factor that decides how happy or how unhappy you will be in your life. Romantic love shapes your life and sets the bar for all that you see as possible. If you settle in love, you settle in life. If you win big in love, you will win big in life. I believe this without exception.
When I was in high school I always dreamed of falling in love and one day marrying my high school sweetheart. While I did experience a love in high school that felt right out of a teen movie, it didn’t last long.
Then in college I always dreamed of meeting the woman...
The most common thing people associate with happiness in their love lives: finding a soulmate.
Everyone wants to find a soulmate — their ‘one true love’.
"Truth be told: there are billions of people in this world. That means by sheer population numbers, there are potentially thousands of people who we could meet in our lifetime, fall in love with and label as our "soulmate"."
For true believers in soulmates, that’s not something they want to hear. Particularly for those who feel they’ve found their soulmate: they don’t want to believe that there could ever be someone else out there.
I’ve always thought soulmates in love are what religion is in life. It’s a system in place to instill more control and purpose to our lives. Without it, we feel out of control, with no real sense of purpose.
Just like under religion’s terms: the purpose of life is to live in a such a way that when we die we get to go to heaven.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone but not trusted their love for you?
While you knew they loved you, for some reason, you just couldn’t trust the stability of that love.
That’s because their love felt fickle. Like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind.
You know how they say that you can never really lose someone that was truly yours in the first place?
Well, this type of love has you feeling insecure. You have a hard time relaxing within the relationship because you have doubts about your true alignment and connection to this person.
In your heart of hearts, you feel like you’re capable of losing this person to somebody else better suited to them. You worry they will have an epiphany one day and suddenly realize that you aren’t right for each other. You worry about allowing them to be completely free to roam and grow outside the relationship because you fear they may grow or change away from you.
This leads to constant anxiety, frustration and...
I remember a few years ago I was in a relationship with a woman whom I loved deeply. The passion and feelings were there. They were strong. Yet, the relationship never felt right.
In terms of our values, we were mismatched.
While my heart was in it, my head was trying to pull me away.
Our emotional connection was fierce, but we did not connect in some of the crucial areas of alignment.
We held on for a lot longer than we should have because the feelings were so strong but the value (practical alignment) side of the equation proved a future lifetime of compromise with us growing in different directions.
We were spiritually misaligned. She was a Christian, and while I’m very spiritual, I believe more in things like ‘energy,’ ‘flow,’ ‘alignment,’ and ‘The Universe’ than I do in organized religion and the idea there is one single Creator.
She also interpreted my ambition and drive to succeed in my field as self-serving. While I...