Why We Search For Relationship Fantasies To Save Us

When we search for a relationship fantasy to save us, it means there’s a relationship reality we can’t sit with and are running from or are disassociated from.

There is a part of our story we have not claimed and owned. A part of ourselves in our past we’re trying to create separation from. We have abandoned a part of who we are. We have repressed the painful parts into the deep, cellular bowels of our being.

Romantic dysfunction means one thing: DISCONNECTION FROM SELF.

When we chase fantasy, we want one thing: AVOID REALITY.

This is revealed countless times when we choose someone WHO IS NOT GOOD FOR US.


We can’t be with reality and would rather live in dysfunctional delusion than be presented with our very own confronting reality.

The confronting reality is coming face-to-face with our unworthiness. It’s coming face-to-face with our shame. It’s coming face-to-face with a part of ourselves we have tried to leave forgotten in the past.

"But what we try to run from in fantasy, drives us right into incessant and perpetual nightmare."

If we’re stuck in perpetual romantic dysfunction, the problem is not the people we’re choosing, the problem is what we’re not choosing to see in ourselves.

Dysfunction reveals itself for a deeper self-inquiry.

Relational dysfunction is the prompt into the exploration of our own disconnection.

What part of us are we disconnected from? What reality of our story have we crumpled up and thrown away?

When we live in fantasy, it means we chase perfect partners and perfect relationships, all to avoid our own feelings of imperfection, our own deep, underlying feelings of unworthiness.

The fantasy is self-preservation and protection from a root of who we are that we can’t be with.

The fantasy protects someone from the reality of shame. A part of our story, a part of us deep down that we can’t be with.

Maybe we’re running from the inner child that never felt worthy in the family system or was bullied on the playground, so we bypass the pain of the reality of our story with the projection of a relational fantasy.

What you avoid or repress does not go away, but rather becomes what drives you unconsciously.

This disconnection is what drives the dysfunction.

When we look at romantic relationships as a fantasy utopian space, it’s because we’re trying to bypass a deep relational reality.

That reality could be the pain and grief of our father walking out at a young age that we have internalized is because we’re unloveable.

That reality could be the shame that we feel something is wrong with us because we feel we were never seen for who we truly are for most of our lives.

The shame could be that we ate our feelings when we were younger because we did not feel safe to express them or had absolutely no tools for how to handle our deep emotional terrain.

Let’s say a woman is adDICKted to men and lives in perpetual relational fantasy.

What this really means is she’s addicted to romantic sugar. She uses men as DICKstractions to avoid herself. She uses the sugar hits of validation to keep deep rooted, underlying shame at bay.

But the shame never goes away, but just continues to drive relational dysfunction and incessant internal disconnection until it hits a breaking point.

Without the validation, we come face-to-face with our own self-image. And we live in distraction because the empty spaces hold a mirror to our soul, and when we’re disconnected from our core soul, the silence can make the disconnection to our soul unbearable to be with.

But these empty spaces turn into the most loving realities when we meet our story with grace and courage. When we hold ourselves and embrace forgotten realities and release the attachment to our convictions of our own defection and unworthiness.

But when we try to keep the shame at bay, the shame never goes away, it just continues to drive relational dysfunction and incessant internal disconnection until it hits a breaking point.

Fantasies turn into nightmares via romantic dysfunction when the disconnection becomes too much to bare.

What this really means is there is a part of us, a little boy or girl inside of us who we have left back home.

The dysfunction is us being called home to tend to a part of ourselves who we have left in the past and tried to forget.

This part we’ve left in the past is US. It’s always been us. The reason why romantic dysfunction fuels our life is because we have abandoned our very own child. By abandoning the child, we live in the victim role of our story, plague our cells with shame and abandon the thrones of our power. 

Relational dysfunction reveals one thing: relational disconnection with ourselves.

There is a core part of our story, a core part of our innate being who we embroil with shame, and we stumble in romance because we’re looking for something to stop the bleeding from our own internal wars of shame and self-criticism.

If you live in sustained romantic fantasy, what you’re really being called to do is connect to your reality.

The Universe is conspiring painful dysfunction to bring about personal breakthrough to a more connected self. 

Now you’re being called to connect to your story, to connect to the reality of who you are and what made you who you are in a deeper way.

"The search for fantasy is the revelation there is a part of our reality we still feel needs to be saved by a fantasy. And love will always allude us, until we fall in love with our reality."

Because everything we’ve ever needed we have always held inside ourselves.

True love is reality.

It’s the reality of who we are.

It’s the reality of who we are now and the journey of what brought us here.

The fantasy ends and the dream begins when we fall in love with the reality of who we are.

When we come home to an essence that doesn’t need our escape.

When we fall in love with our story.

When we come back to our body, back to our breath, back to this moment.

A fantasy is only necessary when we’re searching to escape from a reality that feels empty and hollow and painful, and the only reason it feels that way is because there is a part of you that you have condemned and denied.

Come home. Stop running. Be still. Connect to those disconnected parts. The moments of rupture that fuelled the self-abandonment.

Don’t let your shame sabotage your reality anymore. It was your teacher to guide you to this moment right now. Don’t let the dysfunction you have experienced keep you entrenched in a victim narrative that you’re forever unworthy, but trust this moment has been brought to you so you can finally come home to your connection to YOU.


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