Lovers, we need to give our partners permission to be an asshole sometimes.
Now before you throw a hissy fit, it’s important we differentiate between being a bona-fide asshole versus occasionally displaying asshole behaviour.
There is an asshole person. Just general dicks. Their dickishness is very much permanent.
Being a bona-fide asshole means your heart is shaped like a dick. Or it’s shaped like a butthole, either or. Meaning being an asshole is just WHO YOU ARE.
Then there is asshole behaviour. This is human reality. Dicks on occasion. Your humanness gets the best of you sometimes. You’re a good person who sometimes does not act so good.
We all have bad days. You say the wrong thing. You do the wrong thing. You don’t show up in the way you’re capable of. You act out of integrity. You say something hurtful to someone you care about. You get triggered, you break down, you act on impulse, you overreact.
Being a sometimes asshole is an invitation to our humanness.
Nobody is perfect. Even the most evolved lovers and relaters still trigger the fuck out of each other and do or say the wrong thing.
If someone is perfect they’re probably a serial killer and they act perfect all day and make up for it by murdering people at night.
"The more perfect, the more in-denial of their inner dick, the more they should not be trusted."
Expecting that things will be good all the time in our relationship, is an unrealistic expectation.
Let’s throw great love a bone and give it the space and freedom to exist in mutual acceptance of our human imperfection.
Cause you know, denying your inner dick and denying your partner’s inner dick, is actually you just being a covert dick with this grand, false, dickless expectation.
All this does is lead to your inner dick completely overwhelming you until your inner dick enlarges so big you turn into an absolute raging dickbag.
So, let’s let give our partners and ourselves permission to be an asshole sometimes.
Sometimes I’m going to be a big giant dick and so are you?
Let’s not get swept away by any impossible allusions or falsities here!
Great love is two people who are SOMETIMES ASSHOLES.
The greatest partner on the fucking planet comes with a branded sign that says ‘SOMETIMES I’M A TOTAL DICK’.
WHAT A RELIEF!
Let’s love in reality. Dicks and assholes on occasion!
I always remember being so ashamed of myself when I had a moment of being an asshole. I felt like I’d exposed myself. Like I was vulnerable, with my asshole hanging outside of my mouth. Like I wasn’t actually a good person because I had a real not-so-good moment.
You know, does my partner now see me in a different light? A darker, dickier light?
I was acting so good for so long! Why did I have to fuck it up by exposing my inner dick! Now if only I could put my dick back inside, never to see the light of day again.
The dick has been exposed! Now time to go cower in shame and chalk myself up to flawed and disposable.
Even when things were going so well, we’d fight and I’d be heartbroken because I felt the relationship had to be on this perfect pedestal all the time. And now that we fought, our relationship was headed right for the shitter!
I’d look at my partner, adoringly, aren’t they the best person on the fucking planet!?
Then they’d be short with me one day when the energy tank was low and I’d all of a sudden have this image of them clouded by this big giant dick!
I’d look at them like they just hit me in the face with their inner dick and I was disgusted!
Oh, maybe they aren’t as awesome as I once thought?
Maybe they aren’t the one after all?
Look at them exposing the dirty balls of their personality?
I’m not so sure this is going to work out after all!
I put myself on this impossible dick-free pedestal because I didn’t actually accept myself. I didn’t accept the full scope of my dick capabilities.
If I would have been able to accept and embrace the underbelly of my dark, dick shadow, I would have had a greater capacity to sit in the real moment-to-moment humanness of the person I was in a relationship with.
"For so long, I didn’t give myself and my partners space to be human. This is the space where we welcome the dirty dicks and buttholes to occasionally enter our relationship."
I was like my relationships are a dick and asshole free zone!
And then when they inevitably came, I didn’t know what to do. I just sat there, getting entrenched and overwhelmed by the abundance of dicks and assholes.
I kept searching, seeking, for a partnership that wouldn’t reveal the inner dark dick inside of me, and find a human who could live every hour of every day on best behaviour.
CLEARLY IT NEVER HAPPENED!
This proved to be an important lesson in my journey to accepting the relational imperfection of occasional dicks and assholes entering the love nest.
The best, most epic connections get clouded by unpleasant dicks and assholes at times.
But how we bounce back from the unpleasant dick and asshole situation is where love is truly made.
A true asshole acts like an asshole and doesn’t apologize or repair for being an asshole.
They see no faults to their asshole ways. Or they’re so engulfed with shame that their asshole ways imprison them by their own inability to sit with their imperfection.
We act like an asshole for long enough without making amends, the harder it is to push through the shame that gridlocks us in the asshole behaviour.
A good person acts like an asshole and apologizes and repairs for being an asshole.
Thus removing their asshole status.
"The path to being a good, within integrity person, is owning your assholery and making amends when you let your shit hit the fan."
It’s also about making peace with this part of you. It’s not denying this part of you, but allowing yourself to meet this part with grace and compassion.
We’re all going to fuck up and act outside our capacity for goodness and kindness on occasion, the journey to being a good person is the recovery from asshole behaviours.
Our inner child will hijack us with a fucking bee bee gun and we will act like a rotten child with a diaper full of asshole apple sauce.
We will be selfish sometimes.
A real fucking bag of dicks.
I can be a real dick sometimes. And as much as my partner likes my dick, she doesn’t like when I turn into a dick, you know?
This is an important distinction to make. My dick turns her on, but me becoming a dick doesn’t turn her on. She prefers when my dick stays in my pants and doesn’t turn into my face and personality.
But she can deal with this temporarily, just as long as I make amends for becoming the dick for a hot minute.
Through this ability to make contact to what lies below, my partner is able to meet a humbler, more vulnerable, in process part of me that is willing to taking responsibility when the deep dark dick gets the better of me.
See, our inner asshole exposes us, it shows us our innate capacity for reactivity and explosion.
"When we deny this part of ourselves, we are stuck in delusion, we’re irresponsible. Our growth is grid-locked by a reluctance to accept the part of us we need to meet and work with. We lose an incredible opportunity to meet our edges and love our jagged edges."
But accepting this part, and committing ourselves to working with it, is how the assholes and dicks inside of us become a platform for good. It becomes a platform for love. A platform for recommitment. A platform for our ever evolving human wholeness.
So time to take a breath, for ourselves, for our partners, and lets not deny the undeniable.
Dicks and assholes are going to enter our loving premises on occasion.
Let that big dick be an invitation to reclaim and connect with something a little bit deeper.
If we go into relationships without granting our partners some leeway to be real fucks sometimes, we won’t create a truly extraordinary relationship.
Now, I’m not saying we need to see the good in people who don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. I am saying let us give space for our very human partners to fail us at times.
Cause they will. They will hurt us in fact. Let’s just out that fact right now. We will cry. We will scream. There will be moments where we’re unsure. Great love doesn’t become great without accepting dark moments.
"To dance in the light of love, we must be able to hold ourselves in our dick darkness."
It’s just about finding someone who meets their own inner dick capacity with courage and grace. It’s about finding someone who is worth pushing past the gritty ball moments.
Find a love that is worthy to be loved amongst the dicks. For the dick moments became the platform for our great love to evolve and dance closer, tighter, more connected, more in harmony with each other.
It’s two people taking adult responsibility for their inner dicks and assholes coming to the forefront of the union. It’s the claiming of this contribution and committing to be better every day.
I’m not suggesting we have to take abuse from our partners (big difference) but we need to give our partners the space and permission to not be their best selves all the fucking time.
Permission to let us down sometimes. An invitation and acceptance to be a little rough around the edges humanness.
We’re all in process of improving. How we own up to our slip ups during our process of our evolution is where true love and intimacy is really born into being.
We have to give each other permission to undo the belt of perfection and let our assholes hang out of our partnership pants sometimes.
Because great relationships are not defined by us not turning into assholes.
They are defined by how we repair and recover from being assholes.
The beauty is in the art of repair.
Great love is made in the recovery of asshole behaviour.
I mean, if someone is ALWAYS an asshole but ALWAYS apologizes for being an asshole, that’s not good enough. That person is just an asshole who is abusing the freedom.
"But the one you love cherishes you and loves you with great respect most often, they’re allowed the occasional butthole moment. Particularly when they rise to meet their shortcomings with love, vulnerability and gracious responsibility."
If you see your partner be a dick, and they own up to being a dick with fierce vulnerability and ownership for that moment and make amends from a heart-connected place, I guarantee you will love them even more than before that particular dick moment came to be.
While I’m a dick sometimes, I take ownership for my dickery.
I confess I was a dick and make amends like a fucking champion.
I anti up to all that shit and claim what is mine to claim and own what is mine to own.
I break down that shame my dickery created and own every fucking ball hair.
And when I’m able to take ownership and compassionately repair in a way that’s full of fierce fucking humility, I go from being a dick, back to just being a guy with a dick.
And our connection is strengthened, our love grows, our respect and admiration for one another gets even greater.
The best partnerships give one another human space to become human dicks and assholes.
The best partnerships are also really good at unbecoming human dicks and assholes.
It’s not the presence of unwanted dicks and assholes in your relationship that defines the success of your relationship, but it’s your humble commitment to removing them that does.
So let us please, give ourselves and our partners a permission slip to be an asshole sometimes.
For this permission, is what creates the space and freedom for real, true love to actually be born.
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