What Does True Relational Commitment Really Mean?

Just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.

Just because you don’t cheat on your partner, it doesn’t mean you’re committed.

You see this all the time, people holding the bar of commitment to some form of external commitment.

You know, they must be so committed because they have been together for 30 years!

Okay, well how committed are they to actually being connected in their relationship? How committed are they to being present and attuned to their partner? How committed are they to actually understanding their partner’s pain points and learning what makes make them tick?

Just like some couples get married to show how “committed” they are.

Or, let’s have a kid because we’re disconnected and see if that can bring us closer.

Shit brings me to a rage!

Well, getting married is not going to make your relationship anymore committed if you don’t actually know how to generate commitment on a deep emotional level in your relationship by committing to being connected to your partner.

I think couples should have to explain why on a deep emotional level they’re getting married before they’re allowed to get married. Rather than giving answers like “it was the right thing to do” or “it felt like the right time”.

"But most of us make major commitments, without even understanding what deep relational commitment even means to us."

Couples should have to unpack what commitment ACTUALLY means inside their relational union before making a deeper external commitment and lay out what that looks like, specific to their unique relationship.

I believe marriage is a beautiful thing, but not when it’s used as this fail safe to finally prove commitment. 

It’s not like our relationship suddenly becomes different because we’re married. Same commitment muscles you had before. Particularly if the commitment feels coaxed to create a false sense of safety and security. Which is what you so often see, people wanting to get married to FINALLY make a commitment. LOCK IT DOWN.

What the fuck were you doing before? Were you not committed?

When we rely on the external forms of commitment entirely, it means there is a level of internal commitment we probably do not know how to generate.

A level of relational and emotional safety we can not generate. So we rely on that external commitment to compensate for what we can not create internally.

You know, I can’t ask for my needs directly, but I'll subliminally coerce  them into making a deeper external commitment.

Because if you’re not committed to hard conversations, if you’re not committed to speaking your truth, not committed to learning your partner’s trauma, not committed to being a daily student of your partner, not committed to validating their experiences and allowing them to be seen and heard, and not committed to working at being connected on a daily fucking basis then no external commitment will matter.

It doesn’t matter how long you have been together, doesn’t matter if you’re married or not, the most committed couples are the couples the most committed to being connected with their partner.

The most committed couples are the most committed to actually being present with their partners.

Commitment is about the commitment we put into carving out a sacred union between us where we both feel nourished and can thrive in the world. 

Simply not fucking other people doesn’t make you committed. But your ability to be present and attuned to your partner and carve out daily time for them to be seen does.

Truth is, we can’t actually even be committed to our partners if we’re not actually committed to ourselves. By committing to ourselves is how we show up for our partners with more of ourselves to bring to the table.

Individual Alignment + Collective Alignment = True Commitment.

You can’t be connected to your partner, truly connected to your partner, unless you’re first committed to connecting to yourself.

We should be doing AT LEAST 1 daily act of commitment to our relationship. We should have a daily commitment practice that we engage in every day with our partners that prioritize the connection.

A time every day, where the connection comes first, a time where we make a major positive emotional deposit into the relationship.

If we can work every day, workout every day, check our stock portfolio every day, we should be able to commit to the most important thing in our life every day, our relationship.

Commitment is not a one-time thing. You don’t get married and suddenly COMMITMENT ON LOCK DOWN!

"Nope, commitment is the daily act of recommitting."

So I ask, what are you doing daily to recommit to your partner? To your relationship? To the health of your connection?

Every day, we should be waking up as if it’s the first time we’re committing to our partner. Daily recommitment like it’s the very first fucking time. That is what true commitment means to me. Anything less I believe isn’t going to stand in the ring of truly great committed love.

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