What do you vet for in the dating process?
What are you attracted to? What gives someone a place in your romantic orbit?
This is often something I will ask a client early on in our process when I’m coaching someone around love.
They may say things like:
Physical attraction. Chemistry. Sense of humour. Extroverted personality. Outgoing. Positive energy. Ambitious. Successful.
Those things are great but those qualities are how you vet someone for a really hot fucking fling. It’s like, yeah, it all looks on paper but how does this translate to great love?
I mean, if you want more of a surface level connection with a partner, then fine. Those are all great qualities to sustain a surface level relationship.
Surface level characteristics can make for an exciting and novelty filled beginning but they don’t stand the test of time, relationally.
If you want a soul bonded connection, you need to claim that level of connection to yourself.
If you want a partner you need to be testing for things like self-awareness, integrity, strength of character, consistency, someone’s willingness to face discomfort and adversity, the degree of emotional safety they have based upon their own ability to validate what’s true and alive for them, their ability to powerfully advocate for themselves and speak their truth with grace and heart, their ability to consistently communicate, their ability to be vulnerable and bring up tough things, their commitment to growth and expansion, what brings alive their soul in life and what they did to cultivate this in their life…JUST TO NAME A NEW.
The caveat here: YOU CAN’T VET FOR THESE THINGS IN A COUPLE WEEKS OR EVEN A MONTH.
This is why that allusive thing called PACING is mandatory when we’re in the market for partnership.
If you’re not willing to go slow and allow someone time to SHOW YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE, then you’re not actually ready to do the necessary vetting for partnership.
The reason why people waste time is because they don’t think they have time, so they commit to misaligned relationship after misaligned relationship (driven by their fear of losing time) rather than actually SAVING time by going slowly and actually vetting before committing.
"Romantic results are simply a reflection of our own self-worth and the depth of connection we have to ourselves."
Cause if we want more, if we want deeper, why are we settling for less than the depth we crave?
Too many people are reactionary, unconsciously following chemistry and attraction. While these things are important, they don’t bring about soul-level partnership.
And if we crave a depth, relationally, that is not coming to fruition in what we choose romantically, what that represents is the the space for us to claim a level of depth in our own connection to self.
We must embody what we vet for, or else we will have NO IDEA what we’re actually vetting for. And if we don’t embody it, we won't be able to handle and receive what we say we want.
It won’t actually be important because it’s not something we consider important in our ability to be present and connect powerfully to ourselves.
"I can figure out someone’s level of relationship to self right away by what they vet for in the dating process or DON’T VET FOR."
Often the divide is this: what we want we do not know how to vet for because it’s simply aspirational within the realm of our own body and inner world.
We want something we’re not bringing to the table ourselves.
Therefore, our soul may desire a deep connection where it feels truly seen, yet it keeps choosing surface connections with people who can’t actually meet us, all for the purpose of holding a mirror for us to see what we haven’t yet met inside of ourselves.
We can blame this on poor partner selection, but what is actually driving the poor partner selection?
CONNECTION TO SELF. AND WHAT WE’VE MET RELATIONALLY TO SELF.
The space between what we choose and what we want is the space where we have to learn to live our own love story.
I mean, you don’t have to own this space if you don’t want but if you want remarkable, conscious love where you feel deeply connected, seen, cherished and appreciated. This is the work.
The reluctance to claim this space is the one and only catalyst of your perpetual romantic frustration and dissatisfaction.
It’s simple: to vet for a PARTNER who can meet us we have to start relating to ourselves as a PARTNER who can meet us fully.
Partner vetting is a reflection of what is priority within our own love blueprint.
If we want depth, we have to live deeply and vet deeply. If we want surface, then live surface and vet surface.
Just as someone who stays stuck engaging in only emotionally unavailable partners: THE ONLY REASON IS BECAUSE THEY’RE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE TO THEMSELVES.
If you want to find someone good for your soul, you need to live a life in honour of your soul. You need to feel your soul nourishing things so you can better understand what does and doesn’t feel nourishing to you.
This is how we make the aspirational, a priority.
What do we choose?
And what do we actually want, on a deeper soul level? What is the soul dream? The big heart dream?
If we crave something deeper but stay stuck in the frivolous surface, it’s a call forward for us to stop avoiding ourselves and move deeper into our own work.
When you date, what do you vet for?
This will reveal your relationship to self. If you DON’T KNOW, you probably don’t know yourself that well because if you did you would know what you truly need to feel fulfilled and satisfied.
When you date, how do you vet for these things?
If you want something you’re not vetting for it probably means you’re not living something you truly need to feel connected to you, as you can’t vet for something you don’t actually understand yourself.
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