One of the most common things I hear out in the dating space is, “I’m running out of time,” “I don’t have time,” “The clock is ticking!!”
The usual dating pattern in response to this is to go VERY QUICKLY and try to decide in the first month whether or not this is your person or the person you’re going to marry.
It all comes from this place of trying to create certainty IMMEDIATELY.
I wanna know and I wanna know quickly!!
The result is a lot of anxiety, massive over-analysis and coming into the dating place from a space of fear and scarcity.
What usually ends up happening are a lot of repetitive short-lived relationships that don’t work out.
That’s because we're showing up from this space of rushing and needing to know immediately.
We don’t think we have time, so we waste even more time by not actually vetting the human being.
You know we chase these ideas of “infatuation” and “you should just know immediately” when you meet the right person.
But what do all these beliefs have in common?
They don’t actually include the human being we're choosing.
I need to be infatuated because that’s just what I think it should be like.
Now we have someone who wants to go quickly and doesn’t actually think about vetting the human being they’re thinking of committing to.
Again, this need to rush the relationship comes from the allusion of fantasy to save us from some aspect of our reality.
Cause if we need go quickly it means we want some aspect of our reality to be alleviated. Whether it be our shame of still being single or our fear of not meeting someone.
I believe one of the biggest reasons the divorce rate is so high is because people didn’t actually properly vet the person to begin with.
"They got married on the high of the "in love" feeling or they got married cause it was time and just what they thought they ought to do."
When dating, we should simply be asking questions such as:
"Do I want to see them again?"
"Do I like them more, the more I get to know?"
This is what we should be looking out for.
The first 6-9 months that person is a stranger on best behaviour. We have no idea who they are.
So how come we're trying to decide after one month if we’re going to spend our life with them?
Again, I don’t have time to waste and I gotta be able to make decisions quickly.
You know what that’s gunna do?
Stress you the fuck out and probably lead to you choosing someone without even vetting if they’re a high quality aligned partner for you.
Now we have committed to a potentially misaligned relationship.
As life stressors build up, these incompatibilities will be exposed because you chose someone without actually seeing how they react under stress or when things don’t go their way.
No wonder divorce rate is high - we feel pressure to commit from our fears and the external world, even in spite of what is truly necessary to cultivate healthy, true love from the start.
Cause you can hide from a lot in relationships that allow you to feel comfy enough without having to touch the real tender stuff below.
But when you go slow it helps you make a choice grounded in reality, you don’t vacate your own alignment.
You vet the human being behind the exciting novel feelings of love.
The most practical remedy for this is to GO SLOW and sit in the uncertainty and magical unfolding of it all.
If you don’t, it’s not actually love you’re after, but rather a saviour to save you from some aspect of yourself, some aspect of your reality.
"The faster you go, the more time you will waste cause you’re committing to something before you actually know what you’re committing to."
This is where you date while still reparenting yourself. Cause if you can’t go slow, it actually means you can’t reparent yourself. Dating while pacing is dating while still being about to soothe and reparent yourself without being reliant on the feeling of love to save your inner child from aspects of its reality it hasn’t come to grips with or accepted.
And if you can’t reparent yourself, how is that going to work out in the long run of your relationship?
Two children in a relationship?
Probably not very well as you can imagine once the honeymoon high wears off.
This is one of the biggest problems and a common reason why couples separate - they weren’t actually that compatible to begin with but initially the feelings of love could override the misalignments but not in the long haul.
If you go slow and actually let the human slowly reveal themselves to you, this is where true love is seeded from.
There’s far less wasted flings, much fewer frustrations and anger at the dating scene, because you date connected to your power, you date from a place of love, not fear.
Go as slow as humanly possible.
Sit in the uncertainty.
Let it unfold day-by-day.
Let the person slowly reveal themselves to you.
Get to know the human behind the feeling, get to know their hurt, get to know their dirt.
Choose from a space firmly rooted in the earth, a love that does not need to be saved from a fantasy.
Show your dirt, your hurt.
This is the only way you can really know if it’s really love, not the allusion of love.
But most people commit only ever knowing the feeling of “in love” rather than how to build and sustain love as an action.
If you can’t do this, you’re not actually ready for love.
Hear that again, if you can’t go slow, you’re not actually ready for love because you have made fantasy and fear more important than the human being behind those feelings.
Get to know the human being before committing, this will take time and a willingness to let it unfold how it’s supposed to, but if you do this, if you commit to going slow, you will find love much faster in the long run than those who feel the need to rush and go quickly.
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