When I coach a client around love, the fastest way I usually create a breakthrough is by getting the client to tell me what they learned about love from their childhood. What they modelled from their parents, what they learned from their community around them, their peers, as well as their experiences in their interactions receiving love from their parents.
Usually when someone struggles in love throughout adulthood it’s because their core beliefs around love are in direct opposition to the love their soul and heart actually want.
They have learned something, been living something, that is in direct opposition with what they actually need.
"Their programming and wiring around love is built on some form of self-rejection or self-abandonment."
When people usually come to me who are living in chaos of some sort, it’s because their programming around love is leading to stress, anxiety and dysfunction, and they’re at this breaking point where what they have been living around love is no longer working.
The discomfort has become so uncomfortable, the alarm bells have become loud enough, they can’t ignore it any longer.
This is the beginning of a reckoning around love.
Meaning, I love someone at the cost or expense of myself.
The indoctrinated belief around love is that we must love others, but we must not love ourselves.
This is love out of integrity. And synchronicity between mind, body and soul is when we live in fierce integrity of our core belief around love.
This person then learns that self-choosing is actually selfish. That love means to ENDURE above all else. It’s built on the foundation that love = obligation and service of others.
Guess what? This is the opposite of what love actually is.
They have been living a story about that love is actually in direct opposition to what love actually is.
"Commitment, without relentless self-commitment, is actually self-sacrifice."
It’s actually self-sacrifice that will lead to resentment and unspoken expectation.
So, when a client comes to me with something like this, I always spin things around, turn it on their head, mold and shape their stories around love to see where the stories they’re telling themselves and living around love are leading to perpetual dysfunctional patterns.
I’m in the business of putting light where it’s currently dark and helping someone live a more inspiring story. Cause all we have in life is the stories we tell ourselves about our life. Thoughts and emotions that give weight to these stories.
So why not live a more inspiring one that feels better to live?
Now I say, okay, what you want is actually in direct opposition to what you learned.
But what you learned was actually correct. Love does equal commitment.
Cause what you’re really here to learn is that who you’re supposed to commit to is YOU.
That is what spirit wants. That is what your pain is inviting you to understand right now.
The chaos inside of you is your higher self trying to get your attention because you’re giving your power away and leaving none for yourself.
Love lives in the body. When you don’t live in your body, you don’t bask in the love available to you.
You don’t know yourself because you learned how to commit to everyone except yourself.
You don’t trust yourself because you learned it wasn’t safe to be yourself.
This is your work. Living it with fierce integrity. Living your own most inspiring love story.
Self-trust is the by-product of positive outcomes by committing to one’s self.
This is how you will serve the world by serving yourself.
Something as simple as dissecting origin love beliefs and wiring and turning it around to see if they’re living the love they learned is one of the fastest ways we can create breakthroughs.
I show them everywhere they have actually been self-rejecting the love they have craved all this time.
I make sure they know this is their birthright. Their childhood gave them incredible gifts; often gifts they have been giving away at the expense of themselves.
It’s time for them to give that gift to themselves.
Does this feel true to you? I always ask.
Does this feel better or worse than the story you were living before? Much, much better they say.
The love story is always there. It always is. The mistake we make is thinking we need someone else to start living it. And when we learn, the only way we can live it with someone else is when we live it with ourselves, we start loving now, we don’t wait to love.
The ease this creates in people. The self-acceptance to be in stillness and to self-honour, begins to shift the chaos into a sense of full body connection.
This shift is a shift into a greater being of love.
I give them permission to take the starring role in their story about love. It’s them. It’s always been them.
The pain, discomfort, chaos, they’re experiencing right now is the child screaming to get their attention.
“IT’S ME! IT’S ME YOU’RE HERE TO LOVE! LOVE ME!”
This is where it begins. The understanding deep inside of one’s self that the greatest love of their life lies in the other side of honouring one’s self.
Every time you honour yourself, you’re love in action. The person who will love you one day will be the person who encourages and supports your commitment to yourself.
The best couples are two people who endlessly support each other’s commitment to self-honour.
Yes, love is about commitment. But you were just self-sacrificing, thinking you were living commitment. Well, you can’t live something you’re not also living yourself. That commitment is actually about you. And you’ll know the love is true in the arms of another when their love becomes a platform for you to self-commit more than ever before.
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